“I have been through some terrible things in my life, some of which actually happened.” – Mark Twain
Opening up to what needs attention in my emotional field today I noticed a slight sense of pressure, “I need to find something…” And then, focusing on just that, turning up the volume, I see how in my life when I feel people put pressure on me to behave this or that way, I get my resistance up… or duck.
But it’s as always a bit more complex than that – but I don’t want to go into the story. The headline is enough, I think.
People putting pressure on me make me feel small, I feel used, not exactly abused but somehow manipulated, it takes away the space I believe I need to unfold. So I get irritated and resist. And I always seem to have my antenna out so that I immediately feel/know if someone wants something from me. That is step one of pressure: wanting something.
Zooming in on this mixed brew of feelings – because it is somewhat entangled and messy  it seems – I uncover an aspect of what I perceive at first as “someone putting me under pressure”, it is that I want to please: I want people to think that I’m there for them. There is a sense of duty in there as well; I must be there for others, to help and protect and support even if that cost me something (for some time I was in the role of the oldest brother of 3; before we were scattered all over; and then again for 3-4 years with step-brother, half brother and step sister, this time 5, before I left home for ever age 15). Yep, I have to take care. It’s not right to want something for myself. That would not be good. That will make the people I love turn their backs on me, or hurt me, or abguse me or worse. Wanting soimething for myself is no good. But in secret I do. Therefor I’m not good enough. And I feel like a bad man. “I know I’m not good enough.” And therefor I need to prove my worth, and that can never be enough…
When people put pressure on me, and that happens easily because I put so much pressure on myself to do my utmost, when they just add a gram of weight, the load gets very heavy. So I resist. And feel bad, because I resist.
I don’t think all this when I feel the awful pressure; I just feel constricted. I can’t breathe. Under siege. Because whatever I will now do will not be enough. Powerlessness comes, and then anger, “Why can’t they leave me alone?!”
Letting it wash over me, just feeling it, breathing deeply and feeling it… I feel so much alive.
Revelation hits me, “These feelings make me feel alive, connect me with a tingling that rushes through my body… that makes me sit up and breathe deeply.” Becoming a host to these feelings they turn out to ruffle my feathers enough to let in some air.
I guess I’m getting some practice now with ‘dark feelings’. This makes me feel pretty good about myself. It is empowering: Following the trail of my very own experience change happens.
Some thought comes, “Remember the rose cloud.” The rose cloud is that sense that once we’ve hit the ground and accepted things just the way they are, we get a lift, a high that can last a little while. If we make the mistake of actually believing that now we’ve got it made we’re in for an ever deeper down… (This comes from reading Christina Grofs’ book “In Search of Wholeness” where sometimes she refers to her experience of recovery from an addiction). But my guess would be, as long as I keep the practice of “yessing my dark feelings” up, and expand that to the great feelings as well (don’t wanna turn up the volume there until I feel that welcoming the shadows has become second nature)… I’ll be able to handle the rose clouds that invade my reality now more often.