Walking through the park I contemplate the love I’m giving to myself, my family and friends, nature. A flash back in time takes me to my broken young years where the love I received was so thwarted and sporadic, where rebellion and resentment became my basic gesture towards humans and even life herself, and where I birthed the delusion for revenge to set things straight again. Now I appreciate, how loving myself has soothed me enough to shine a different and probably permanent light on all of this. And I am thankful to myself.
As I walk the newlyÂ gravelledÂ paths my longing grows. A longing to be held,Â embraced wholly, to be loved, pure and simple. And after this longing rushed through my every veign, as it spread out beyond my body into the aura of the park, the flowers and birds, the many paths, a woman in a wheelchair beckons me. The new gravel makes it hard for her to push herself, and I am glad to grant her wish. We speak about how the gravel makes the paths in the park less muddy in the rainy times, the beauty of the park in spring and the rose petals coloring the grass. I feel her scariness; she may be sensing the love spirit that’s touching me inside-out and all over, or more likely, she may resent feeling in need for help by a stranger.
The minutes before her beckoning were filled with my longing alchemically merging into Love which now is overflowing into me from its seat ofÂ splendor, its omnicentric throne in the sky and heart of all matter. Â And as the woman beckons I’m getting a fill of understanding of Love’s way.Â PushingÂ the wheely chair and asking the woman to not aid me with her hands, for it is no help, we’reÂ constellated perfectlyÂ for a lesson for yours truly.
Returning through the park from shopping for groceries I see that in a way I’ve been debilitated, unable to receive the Love from all around and in its never ending shades. I’ve beenÂ strugglingÂ so hard for Love that when she comes I’m trying to help her, and thereby hindering her and protecting myself from her intense presence. She loves me so much that I can remain seated, debilitated by all my tragedies, Â and she simply carries me.